7.26.2004
ash - have no fear...I haven't forgotten.
Oasis - Wonderwall.
so I'm sitting here in some soffees and my Ohio U sweatshirt. And a blanket. I'm very cold. It's July 26...in Louisiana...and I'm freezing.
I stroll downstairs around 12 on this lovely monday morning (which just so happens to double as my day off) when the blacklight-lit conversations of last night come whirling back into my head. What had momentarily been written off as a bad dream was quickly over-exposed as a harsh reality. No, not harsh. Twisted, demented...grotesque. A curveball thrown right into my gut.
There was delicate sipping of fine blackberry wine. Throughout the evening it never strayed far from the rim...but soon began to empty much faster...quite easily. We had just finished painting the wall...and ourselves. We played pool. We watched ninja movies. We revisited the old bowling alley.
...The one we used to claim as our second home.
It was a perfect night. A perfect ending before I left.
We used to tell secrets. You know things no one else in the world does. I know things that if told could force your world to come crashing down.
But now I know too much.
You told one too many last night and now I've overloaded.
I can't help being sad about how much has changed. Recently I've been happy - with life in general - the excitement of moving 3 1/2 hours away where I'll know no one. Starting over. As Laura. A world full of new strangers and new reactions...
And I'm not saddened permanently. Only during the times when I think of how innocent everything used to be.
The virginity life once possessed is gone. But looking back, everything happened at once. There was no experimental process. As if...one day life was suddenly raped. And things have never been the same.
Sometimes I wonder if that's why I so desperately clutch to my own virginity.
I'm so cold.
Remember how we used to walk the railroad tracks? Or stay up all night trying to beat whatever Super Nintendo game was at the top of our list?
heheh
I can remember the first time I saw you. I was so intrigued. You were new...exciting...
...a million baseless rumors backed up the "bad boy" persona you exuded.
I've always liked you. Not silly lust...but a love on a level much deeper. As close as a friend can come to being flesh and blood.
It's a nameless comfort I have with you. The same comfort I had even at age 14.
Things could have been falling on all four sides of the couch...but we'd continue to laugh.
The laugh of a child. That silly, effortless giggle. The way we used to laugh.
I know I have the cynical readers shouting at the screen right now. "Things will never be as they used to! It's life! Get over it, move on...stop attempting to live in the past. Everyone's innocence is taken from them. Who are you to think you've somehow metaphorically been raped??"
And like many things - I ignore you.
If I've learned anything from my father, it's the art of drifting. He can look at someone straight in the eyes, periodically nod and alter facial reactions...yet be in another world. He can sit in his office, look out at the bayou, and never know you've been standing there for 15 minutes. There are times when I grow fearful that I will become my father. Though honorable and intelligent (among many other virtuous traits), he seems far from happy. There is no sparkle...no shine. I see him in his office staring at piles of two-dimensional molecules...or standing over some stark, out-dated machine in the laboratory.
...and it makes me sad.
I love the laboratory.
I haven't a clue why. For someone who so adimately wants to travel down the opposite path, it seems odd that I would love the lab as much as I do. Perfect in it's disorder. Hoses and beakers...tubes and machines. Tiny electrobalances, walls of chemicals.
Perfect.
My thoughts are like a wet sheet of paper. Words are sliding down the page...colliding in the process. blurry.
I drew yesterday.
for the first time in a long time, I drew a horribly distorted abstract.
it's beautiful.
like the world.
the very cold world.
~i'M OuT~
lj [12:42 PM]
