1.26.2004
the neglected blog is disgraceful - this I know. blame it on schoolwork. blame it on the abundance of extra-curricular activities I throw myself into. blame it on your mother. who knows, who cares.
so I participated in quiz bowl a few weekends ago, and found more joy in keeping score than playing the game. (if you want to flatter it by calling it a 'game') I stayed in one round...answered one question...and left feeling stupid. yaay! can't say I'll make an effort to do that again. Maybe I'll be gracious enough to share my 'fast finger' techniques with everyone else before the end of the year...
student council convention and French convention this weekend.
those who have heard of my little "dreams" as of late know that I'm a nervous wreck. I'll elaborate when I have the time to sit down and put some effort into it.
I am jealous.
Elizabeth gets to dance to all the Chicago songs at Linda Lavender's.
...I should have been a dancer.
funny, because every time I mentioned this to someone they quickly shook their head 'no' -- as if I'm not a picture-perfect ballerina or something.
I want everyone to leave me alone.
for just 2 seconds. let me breathe. allow me to look at the sky and say, 'wow...that cloud looks like a teapot.'
I want to lie
...in my bed.
these pre-conceived notions that I am everything short of a goddess are getting old.
fast
mock trial coming up.
i am a lawyer this year. can't wait to dominate in the black suit.
behold the power of the black suit.
book deals.
so a few of my friends on the 'blog circle' I'm in got book deals last month. yeah...book deals are sweet.
"here, do something that you already do - and we'll pay you for it."
I cleaned out the car today.
I cleaned...and I scrubbed...and inhaled unhealthy amounts of fumes. In all my scrubbing fury, I realized that I have problems
...serious problems.
If that ONE little spot doesn't come out, life goes on. If that ONE tiny area isn't polished...LIFE GOES ON.
You see, these inconsequential realizations that have been sporadically occurring over the past 2 years really make me smile. Alone, they mean nothing. But just as puzzle pieces, they fit together. And after acquiring so many, they begin to build this picture...they reveal this painting...this image.
of who I am. Me. Laura Jane.
Sometimes people ask what I would do in a certain situation. I stumble over words - searching every fiber for something truly profound, maybe even a prophetic word
only to watch as my mouth stumbles over redundant words. "I'm telling you what you already know, right?"
why is this? The only conclusion I can come to is that I have yet to discover myself. Who I truly am. I know what I want to be...
Or do I?
lj [2:07 AM]
