1.03.2003
so since im on christmas break and all, i'll tell you about my "christmas" (which was really during thanksgiving) at grandma's house.
FIRST of all...lets just say that im 17...in the car with a mom, dad, eric, and BUTTERCUP for 18 hours TO ohio. *ARGHHH* just picture..."Griswalds"...and now you have the PERFECT mental image.
and of course, we have to stop in EVERY state to let "Buttercup pee" ...because "she wants to." ...like as if she's telepathically telling them she has to go to the bathroom immediately after we pass every "Welcome to (Kentucky/Mississippi...ect)" road sign. so anyways, im chillin in the backseat, reading the article "How to control the bad things in life". and im thinkin, well, maybe i can turn this into a good situation. so after completely re-wiring my mental process about this trip, im thinking...HEY! this can't be TOO bad...i mean, HELL...im getting to see my grandma, my cousins whom i ADORE, my great grandmother (who absolutely rocks...and is turning 90 in a few days) my brand new cousin, and her uber-sweet parents (my aunt and uncle) and of course, my awesome uncle *dave (and his wife) who was the worlds biggest bad boy. (he cut a record with Bon Jovi's drummer back in the day, and stole practically every road sign in the small town he grew up in) ...but get this, NOW he's a completely mellow nurse. GO FIGURE... *sigh* ANYWAYS...so im thinkin, this trip can't be all bad...a nice, wholesome trip to grandma's house during thanksgiving...stuffing and all.
so we get there...and Chris and Sara are already there. (they had to fly up a day early due to college finals scheduling) and on the second night we're there, Sara and i are reminiscing about the fact that we used to go and steal "Wheat Thins" out of the cabinets in the basement drink bar. And of course...for old time's sake, she looks in there. but OF COURSE NOT...i mean, why would there be "Wheat Thins" this time...? no...there are PORNOGRAPHY tapes replacing the alloted "Wheat Thins" spot. ...and they WEREN'T old school. talk about projectile vomiting... in 2 seconds flat, all the nostalgia i had about that house slammed shut faster than the cabinet door. So after realizing that my brain was short circuiting, i decided to leave the room (even though chris thought it was more than hysterical), smile (because smiling supposedly helps to contain the gag reflex), and go read the article "How to control the bad things in life" over and over again until i started to believe it was possible to make things better.
so anyways, after that, im thinkin...ALRIGHT....things cant get any worse than realizing that you're grandma has a stash, right?
NO...wait, i forgot, this is MY life...what was i thinking? Leave it to my awesomely blunt great grandmother to tell me that she couldnt park in the garage anymore. im thinkin, "what the hell? the lady's 90! she deserves to not have to walk in the cold to get in the house." so leave it to my dumb ass to ask "why, grandma?" so she (without hesitation) goes on to tell me that "Fred" has to park in there, and that "Fred" is my grandmother's (yes, the one with the stash) little boyfriend that she's been having an affair with for 30 years! ...and that HE has to park in the garage because he
lives down the road, and runs the risk of "being caught" if he were to park in the driveway. i mean, does it get any more twisted than that? A.) the thought of my grandmother and "Fred" makes me vomit...and B.) the fact that my grandfather was practically stoned and cast out of the "Hill Village" because he "wasnt good to her" makes me even MORE sick. the truth of the matter, is that grandma was/is a slut...and he couldnt put up with it anymore. i know
I dont blame him. (but of course, the only story everyone else knows is the same old "poor grandma" sob story.) please, someone grab me a barf bag. right now. so anyways, not much else happened that was "worthy of vomiting" during the rest of the trip, but i can say that it was definately the most "eye opening experience" ive EVER had at her house. so other than another 18 hours in the car with mom, dad, eric, and buttercup to get home, things were pretty normal.
and my friends, that is all i can/will tell you about my "trip to grandma's" as for now, ~iM oUt~
*name was changed to protect innocence
lj [6:51 PM]
